My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
every single time
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
