My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.