My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Body by Oreos
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time