My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
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Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.