Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank