My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
