My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Real House Wines.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
stop
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*