My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.