Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!