my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.