My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Barbie gone wild
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
As per my last nervous breakdown
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?