My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”