My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
when dads have a rap battle
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.