my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Nose
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Any refunds available?…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[first date]
HER: well, I’m still hung up on my ex from college. Do you have any baggage?
ME: it has recently come to my attention that I have been under a voodoo curse due to my actions in early 2015
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?