Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.