Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂