my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
What about a To-Don’t List?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”