Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Safety first

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.