My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business