Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Weighing up my bread heating options

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue