My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job 鈽猴笍 and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 馃槄
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Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that鈥檚 our neighbor鈥檚 new Smart Car
have we given a name to earth鈥檚 mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It鈥檒l probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don鈥檛 worry, I鈥檒l make it look like an accident
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 馃槶
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way