My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more