My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
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*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
It do be feeling this way.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.