Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1196487043620184064/pu/vid/720x448/KjE6IizYseYnmW9B.mp4?tag=10

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.