My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms