Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.