My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
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Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Spoiler Alert: I was late
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks