My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
You Might Also Like
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Finally
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.