My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
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one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Y’all know who you are.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.