My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.