My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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Wait a minute
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
it must be school picture day
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
man i love columbo
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.