My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
The French cow says MEUX…
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*