my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.