Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

So we got a goldfish…

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Legend 🤣🤣

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks