my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.