my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
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My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Finally! 😈
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?