my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
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I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
My background check bounced.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?