my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”