Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat