Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

pls suprot

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

I know this now 😂

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.