my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
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For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?