Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Hmmmmm
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time