Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Yes

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”