My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”