My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
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When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
what’s in a name?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.