Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

Ovenable?

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

I’m giving up for Lent.