My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
You Might Also Like
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
The Weeknd is back
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”