Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

This is enough internet for the day.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.