Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it