My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
bout dat hot dog summer
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*