my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
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ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.