my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
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As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.