my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Those are good neighbors.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
How do I get a job writing these texts
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.