My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
