My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You Might Also Like
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too