My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
🧠
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.