My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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Smile they said.
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
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Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.