Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Every time my phone rings

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.