My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
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A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Only you can prevent podcasts
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)