My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids