Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.