My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still