[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
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me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Choose your fighter
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?