My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
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I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
12653.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
technically true but not a great slogan
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.