Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

about to have the best blueberries of my life

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Sheep

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job