My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies