My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The booster protects against what, now?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Stop sending me this shit.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.