Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

*seductively peels off lederhosen

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths