Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

The little toadstool has spoken.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

podcasts

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.