Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

grotesque if literal: baby food

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Science memes

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”